‘I don’t know what I’m feeling…’

It’s often the case when we ask someone how they’re feeling, we get the response written in the title or we get a type of thinking, usually an opinion or complaint, either about our own words and actions or those of others – or both!
I’m not at all surprised by this. Perhaps like you, rather than developing my emotional intelligence, I developed an extensive vocabulary of complaint, criticism and judgement language. In my family, the schools I went to and the workplaces I spent large amounts of time in. Sound familiar?

How then can you spot whether you’re getting a feeling or thought?
Here’s the simple language clue: The phrase ‘I feel…’ will be followed by a feelings word, e.g. happy, sad, angry, tired and so on.
Typically, there are 2 responses the question provokes: firstly, the word that does follow ‘I feel…’ is ‘that’ or ‘like’. You can be certain that you will then hear a thought, usually an opinion, criticism or judgement. Or there will a vague response: ‘not bad’, ‘ok’, or the dreaded ‘fine’! (You do know what that last one stands for, don’t you?!)
How to respond to that?
A simple ‘So when you tell yourself (complaint, criticism, judgement), how do you feel? (Sometimes a guess from the questioner about the feeling may help)

And the second typical response?
Words like ‘ignored’, ‘humiliated’, ‘rejected’ will often be used. This is a muddled response which will have feelings contained within it but these and other expressions like them are our perceptions of what has happened. In short, it reveals a belief that someone’s words and/or actions have the power and ability to create feelings and thoughts within us. It’s a popular yet inaccurate belief.

The muddle is caused by mixing up a stimulus and a cause.
To begin to unpick the difference, think about the basic conditioning that the experiment ‘Pavlov’s Dogs’ revealed. The repeated stimulus of the bell’s association with food that then led to salivation without the food being present.
However, for most humans, especially as we mature, between a stimulus and a response there is a gap called choice that we can put into practice once we understand that there is a gap. This gives us the chance to choose how to respond.

This reality can be hard to accept because our response happens so fast neurologically speaking and has been repeated so often that it’s become a well formed habit.
You’ve probably heard the saying ‘What gets fired gets wired’ as well as the oft repeated phrase that we are creatures of habit. And there are advantages to this: we don’t have to keep learning how to use a kettle, boil an egg or tie our shoe laces, for example.

One disadvantage when it comes to us communicating tho, is when we have believed that other people are responsible for and the cause of our feelings and thoughts rather than being the stimulus as a result of what they say and do.
If you too are resisting to accept the truth of this, which is quite understandable, ask yourself a simple question: who is responsible for your thoughts and feelings? You or someone else?

To turn this acceptance and realisation into a new habit takes repetition, just in the same way as the original belief was formed. Telling yourself something like  ‘Here’s a chance to make my choice’ and taking 3 slow breaths to accompany the phrase will help to shift the old reactive habit into something calmer and more authentic by connecting more clearly with what you’re actually feeling.