How to Make Friends with Conflict

Conflict….what gets stirred in you as you read the word? To be avoided at all costs? Excitement? Panic? Feel sick? Gone numb? How’s your heart rate, how dry is the inside of your mouth? What thoughts and images are you aware of? Any from the past?
We may have a wish to live our lives in a ‘Tra-La-La-Land’ of constant peace and harmony but I don’t believe that this is realistic or even what’s truly needed.
Conflict, disagreement, difference of opinion, discord, dispute, argument, rows; they’re are all inevitable. Why?
Well, how can this not be when we are all connected at a soul/spirit level yet we are also separate individuals.
This apparent separation will inevitably be mirrored back to us by other people and external situations.
Our real challenge then is to align our personality self with that which is bigger than us, whatever word we choose to call that. Personally, I call it the gift of life.
What tells us if we are out of this essential alignment? When we experience feelings that are unpleasant which in turn tells us that a core value is not being honoured. Once we identify what that value is, we can take steps to bring it back into alignment.
This is not our typical habit however.

When any type of conflict starts to happen, we’ll typically choose one of 3 habitual responses:
We’ll try to beat the other person/people and win the argument. This is just the right approach in a competitive environment like sport but disastrous for personal relationships.
We’ll ignore the issue/person, play it down, sweep it under the carpet, continue to ‘feed the elephant in the corner’ until the size and stench can no longer be contained and unpleasant outbursts occur, reinforcing the concern that many of us have about conflict.
Or we assume a role, mistakenly given the title of ‘Peacemaker’. It’s actually ‘Placater’, which is a very different roles with different behaviours and outcomes.
Of course, these habits will continue until another way is found. Fortunately, there are other tried and tested ways, often provided by a variety of indigenous cultures. My personal favourite comes from the Hopi Indians of North America who use the Four Fold Way.

The Four Fold Way
*Show Up
*Pay Attention
*Tell the Truth
*Let Go of the Outcome

Here’s a brief outline of this practical method aimed at arriving at a destination called  ‘This Works for Everyone’ via ‘The Bridges of Understanding’.

Show Up = Be Present in the here and now allowing your attention and awareness to be focused on your internal world of thoughts, feelings and physical sensations
Pay Attention = Listen to what’s being said by others. This sounds such a simple thing but usually proves so difficult to do. We are likely to have a habit of waiting till the other person stops talking so we can continue what we were thinking or saying previously. (Quick Test: next time you’re in regular conversation with another person, when they finish talking, tell them in summary what you understood them to have said. Be prepared to be surprised at the inaccuracy of your summary. Now imagine feeling emotionally charged by an issue and consider how much true listening is happening now!)
Tell the Truth = Describe what’s happened, what the other person has said or done that has had an impact on you.
Be willing to own your perception and interpretation, become aware of your thoughts, feelings and physical sensations and express them verbally.
Let Go of the Outcome = Be willing to create solutions with the key aim of ensuring that everyone involved gets what they truly desire. This is where our imaginations and the skills of negotiation become crucial to create such a solution. It’s important to build in some checks and balances as the actual experience unfolds so the imagined solution can be reviewed as a reality. This addresses the key question: is it working well enough to everyone’s genuine satisfaction? If not, then ‘let’s go round the solution cycle’ again.

Like anything new, this approach requires learning, application and practice to become a new set of habits leading to a win-win outcome. If you like the sound of this, get in contact here www.communicateforachange.com/contact-me/