Second nature or true nature?

We have learned to behave in ways that have become ‘second nature’ to us. But ‘second nature’ is rarely our true nature. A lack of self belief, self worth & self esteem come from the inner conflict developed as children when, for totally understandable reasons, we learned to tear ourselves loose from our true nature in order to be acceptable & cared for. We learned to sacrifice our authentic self in order to form attachments to our primary care givers.
Of course, we needed to do this to survive. We are, after all, the most dependent creatures for the greatest length of time of any mammals on the planet. What this ‘trade off’ did and continues to do, however, is set up a fundamental mistrust of ourselves because the self that we believe in is a false, adapted self that our true nature cannot trust.
Choosing a Different Path
In order to correct this ‘off-course path’, the more helpful path to tread is to express love for our true nature, our authentic self. One great way to do this is to express appreciation and gratitude. Giving thanks for what we do, for everyone and everything in our lives allows, I believe, the unarguable truth of us to emerge and grow feeding belief, trust, safety and respect in ourselves. Yes, even the situations and people that you may find it difficult, even impossible to feel appreciation and gratitude for.
An example from my own life
As a teenager, I sat with my own mother countless times hearing the same complaint over and over again. As a son, I thought I was being kind and helpful. On reflection, I nw realise it was doing neither of us any favours. She learned not to talk to the person she had a complaint about (my dad) and I learned a habit of listening endlessly without interruption to people’s repetitive tales of woe. Not smart.
Needs and Values
A lesson it took me many years to learn was well summed up by a tarot reader recently: ‘Taking care of your own needs does not make you selfish: selfish is when you expect others to take care of your needs.’
We do not often have an awareness of our needs, let alone a vocabulary to describe and express them. I mean, which families, schools and workplaces do you know of where the language of needs is commonplace?
Needs and Values Detection
How do we detect them then and build a habit of behaving in a way that is in alignment with our needs? Perhaps a change of word may help as ‘need’ is often confused with the less attractive ‘needy’. So how about getting clear and finding words to describe your values? And again, how do you know if your beaviour or that of others is in alignment with values you cherish? Your feelings and body sensations are the clues, especially your ‘gut feeling’.
These are what I’ve learned to call ‘the unarguable truth’. Think about it: you say ‘I’m sad’. Can anyone say ‘No you’re not’? They may not like that you’re sad but that’s not your issue and the unarguable truth is that you are sad. Seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it?
Our Typical Habit
But typically, we will let our thoughts dominate and lead us to doubt or dismiss our feelings & sensations and to believe what I call the ‘unreliable truth’. This focuses our attention on our criticisms and judgements of self and others creating separation and disconnection from our true nature and that of others. This leads to a lack of respect, safety and trust in ourselves and makes us all far too easily led, even if it’s over a cliff edge.