The Importance of Listening

Listening is one of the most neglected communication skills, yet to make a respectful, sincere connection with other people, it is, without doubt, the most important skill.
It really is the secret ingredient in effective, two way communication.

“The need to be heard, (and understood), which is something we all take for granted, turns out to be one of the most powerful motive forces in human nature.” Michael Nichols, PhD. Professor of Psychology, College of William and Mary

It gives a message that we are genuinely valued, appreciated and respected by others.
But in today’s sound bite, distracted, hurry-up world, I think listening is an endangered species.
I’d say that listening has virtually become a lost art.
Is that true for you too?

The good news
Listening skills can easily be enhanced and in this and a future post, I’ll describe simple practices to do just that.

Firstly though, what stops us listening to others?
For me, it’s the ‘noise’ in my own head – my quick, busy thoughts about things that have happened or yet to come and the feelings (usually unpleasant ones) that I’ve wrapped around those thoughts.
There’s also an unwillingness I have to listen: maybe a dislike of the topic, the person, pressure of time and other things to do.

But listening to others comes second.
First, you need to listen to yourself. I mean becoming aware of what you are thinking, feeling and what state your body is in.
State? What do I mean?
What can you sense in your own body? What words can you use to describe it?
Sharp, soft, edgy, calm, relaxed?
And as is often the case, once you notice and name sensations, they are likely to change.

So what’s the best state to be in to listen and how can you get in that state?
For me it’s having uninterrupted time and space even if I have only 5 minutes to listen. If that is the case, which is very common, it’s important that I make clear to the other person if I don’t have the time or if I’m not in the best state to listen.
I also make sure they know that I do want to hear them fully so it’s very important to fix a time when I can do that and stick to it.
That way, trust is built between me and another and I won’t be saying one thing and thinking another.
That will be detected. You know that yourself don’t you when you’re on the receiving end?

Congruent
So I want to be transparent in my communication about this, making sure I’m as congruent as I can be.
By congruent I mean being ‘all of one piece’, with no internal conflict.
How can you tell for sure?
Try this: imagine you receive a birthday gift that you really don’t like, yet you say ‘Oh, thanks, that’s lovely’.
What are you feeling inside when you say this? What does your body tell you and where do you sense it?
Now imagine something different: a very good friend you haven’t seen for a long time arrives on a visit you’ve both have planned for some time and you say ‘How great to see you!’.

Notice the difference between incongruent and congruent now ?
And which do you want to feel when you communicate with other people?