Natural or Normal?

For months, I’ve been doing a pretty good impersonation of Rip van Winkle (well, I thought it fitted better than Sleeping Beauty!)
I was stirred to write because I’ve been increasingly dismayed by the growing trend of what I believe are harmful communicating habits between us. These habits of disconnected communicating seem to becoming more accepted as normal.
I’m seeing and hearing personally critical, even insulting words spoken or written about or to others that I believe would be highly unlikely to be used in person to person comversation.
This has become commonplace, especially where differences of opinion are being expressed, regardless of the topic.
Seems that our ability to listen and understand another’s point of view, which I learned were essential elements in discussing a topic, have been superceded by an emphasis on proving the rightness of our opinion. Choosing to put the other person down as a legimate strategy, makng discussion a competitive sport with winning and losing by any means the sole objective.

Although far from a natural way of communicating, it is a natural consequence of allowing our critical, judgemental mind to dominate our communication.
The best way to spot this ‘hijack’ is the language favoured by ‘The Notorious Should Gang’.
Words like ‘should, must, ought, got to, have to’ that have a harsh force attched to them even when we don’t say them with force.
You might want to try this out for yourself by thinking sentences one after another about a task you’ve had on your to do list for more than a couple of days. And try saying those sentences out loud, e.g. ‘I should have done that by now,I ought to do, I’ve got to do it…’ etc.
Now do a quick check in with your body, your physical sensations. What and where in your body are you sensing?
And what feelings are you noticing? Any irritation, frustration?
Is that how you want to feel when you do the task or is this just a well formed habit that you’ve learned by following others’ ways and repeating it enough times for yourself so that you now believe this is normal?
I don’t think it’s a kind way of treating ourselves and kindness is a much more natural attitude that I’m concerned we could be in danger of losing. Or forgetting.

But if not that way, then what else is there? My overarching aim in my teaching and on this website is to increase our choices when we talk and listen to others. So I’m not saying that we mustn’t use criticism or judgement or express an opinion. There’s a time and place for that approach but contrary to what we may have been led to believe, these are not our only ways.

Sensations, Feelings and Needs are as important, if not more so. To be aware of them to start with, then naming them, then developing a fluent vocabulary until it’s as much second nature as the habits we already have. Perhaps even to become your first nature!
‘Fluent vocabulary’… what does that expression remind you of? Learning another language?
How about ‘remembering a forgotten language’, one that is more natural than what we have learned to call ‘normal’? Remembering too, what and who we value and behaving accordingly.

Next time I’ll illustrate with examples how to translate those judgements and criticisms of self and others into ways to make it clear what we are raelly wanting in a way that’s far more likely to be heard and understood.