Are you getting it wrong?

But why would you want to learn how to change the way you communicate? Or even think about it? What I’m suggesting is that you’re doing it all wrong, aren’t I?
No, far from it. In fact thinking in terms of getting things right and wrong are part of the problem. In our culture, maybe in most cultures, we’ve learned a set of habits of thinking and skills that make it harder to fulfill the purpose of communicating. And what’s that? To build a bridge of understanding that allows us to make life wonderful for everyone. A fanciful notion? Only possible if we live in cloud cuckoo land? How would it be if we found a way to make connections with others based on respect & care? I’m not just talking about skills now am I, but attitude & intention as well.
The communication habits I learned as I grew up were like entering a mental sword fight based on competition, scoring points, keeping score till the next encounter and winning or, heaven forbid, losing.
Is this at all familiar to you or did I grow up in a world of my own here?
Now these habits & rules make absolute sense in a competitive sport but to use this approach in our conversations, which are a bedrock of how we relate to others, creates the very opposite of the respect & care I mentioned earlier. The consequence of communicating with respect & care leads to mutual understanding. And this is a bedrock for the type of relationships that I believe we long for and hold dear when we help to make them like this. Relationships where transparency & authenticity create the relief, the safety to be fully ourselves rather playing roles & learning worn out scripts that fail to reflect our current reality. Indeed, they were probably never ours anyway, just what I call ‘the inheritance we never asked for’.

I said that thinking in terms of right and wrong was part of the problem and you may well feel alarmed that if you don’t think in those terms, then what’s to stop people behaving just as they want with no regard for the impact or consequences for others. Agreed, if I was not suggesting an alternative to this. Using the methods most of us have learned, we’re likely to understand what a person’s opinions & solutions to problems are, but not what’s important to them. A more authentic way of building that bridge of understanding involves making it clear what our key values are, firstly to ourselves then to others. When I wrote earlier about respect and care, those are two values that I hold dear.

How do I know if they are or aren’t being honoured? My feelings will give me this feedback. If I’m experiencing feelings I enjoy, that will tell me that my values are being upheld: the converse is also true. In this case, our feelings provide us with the energy to come up with ideas to honour those values. That’s when the creative, wondering part of our brain can be usefully employed. This type of thinking is helpful with no right or wrong attached, only a ‘will it work to everyone’s satisfaction?’. This may calm any alarm you felt earlier about a lack of regard for others when you don’t think of what’s right or wrong. Surely the whole purpose of communicating, indeed life itself, is to make life wonderful for everyone, wouldn’t you say? And to my delight, I’ve discovered that the approach I’ve learned enables me to do just that. If you’re interested to find out for yourself, leave a comment below or email me.